


Steady Little Boat

by Bal3xicon



Series: Casting Their Ballot for Eternity [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Kind of angsty, Prompt Fill, but I'm all about happy endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:50:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9823367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bal3xicon/pseuds/Bal3xicon
Summary: Fill for Tumblr prompt from Charmedmom8: "I had to see you."





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [charmedmom8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmedmom8/gifts).



> Title from 'Down to the Second' by Zach Berkman.
> 
> Thanks to Shelby for working on two pieces simultaneously with me :)

The string of fairy lights still wrapped around the porch railing from Christmas illuminated the snow as it fell outside her window. She’d been sitting on the couch for so long, the living room was now draped in darkness. A cup of tea sat on the side table next to her, lukewarm and long forgotten.

Her veins were harbouring cold just as the night was. As the blanket of white outside began to grow, so did the feeling of ice, of longing and regret, which travelled through her. A quilt cascaded over the far arm of the couch, just out of reach, but she couldn’t bring herself to uncoil from the position she’d arranged herself in to grab it.

Pulling down the sleeves of her sweater, Raven wrestled her shoulder blades against the cushions behind her hoping the friction might warm her from the outside. It was the very first time thoughts of Abby had filled her with anything but excitement and anticipation. She hadn’t been prepared for this.

It wasn’t just that they’d been talking and texting and flirting for weeks. It wasn’t just that Raven had found it hard to put down the phone, to stop the back and forth they were into most nights of the week. It wasn’t just the ellipses, those three grey dots, which made her heart speed up as she waited for the next thing Abby would say each day. It was so much more than that.

There’d been promises in the spaces between their words. There’d been absolutes in each _good morning_ and _good night_ they’d shared. They had been on the same page for weeks, months even. Raven had been so sure. She would never have done it otherwise. 

Abby’s reaction had left her reeling. Tears in her eyes, she drew her knees to her chest and wrapped one arm around her legs as she scrolled and scrolled and scrolled looking for holes. She searched for inconsistencies which she knew she wouldn’t find. Abby had felt the same. 

There was nothing in the messages and emails and the recent calls list, all black and red with Abby’s name, which could have told her it was only her. Nothing.

Abby had felt the same.

 

* * *

 

_Walking into the administration block at the front of Abby’s building, Raven had taken a breath and smoothed her hands down her shirt before strolling up the hall to Abby’s office. Christmas break had seen the two travelling to family in different directions. It had also been the first time they’d spent apart since their relationship had begun to change._

_Abby’s office was the last on the right of the long corridor, her building significantly bigger than the one which housed Raven’s office on the other side of campus and with a much nicer outlook being that it resided on the second floor. Once a conference room, it backed onto the Principal’s office and their boss, Abby’s best friend Callie Cartwig, had converted it when Abby took up the second Deputy position to replace Raven’s mentor, Jacapo Sinclair, when he retired._

_Nerves and excitement saw Raven’s stomach playing tricks and, as she knocked on the door of Abby’s office, she pressed a hand to her chest to calm her racing heart before pushing the door open._

_“Hey, how are you. I’m sorry I couldn’t get over until now, classes have been crazy today,” Raven fired off her thoughts in rapid succession as she approached Abby who stood from behind her desk and began walking toward Raven, “-I’m sorry we couldn’t coordinate things better over break. I really missed you, it felt different this time, you know?”_

_“Raven.”_

_There was a warning laced between the syllables of her name, inside Abby’s tone. Raven would remember that later. All she could think of as Abby approached her, though, was being closer._

_The embrace they had shared on the last day before break had been longer than any other hug, neither of them willing to be the first to break it. Raven craved the feeling of being close to Abby like that again._

_With another step her arms were around Abby’s neck. “I missed you so much.” She whispered, pressing her lips to Abby’s cheek, a kiss far more chaste than the kind she’d been thinking of for weeks, and she allowed one of her hands to trail up the back of Abby’s neck and into her hair._

_“Raven. Stop. This isn’t appropriate.” Abby hissed the words as if she were reprimanding a student in the middle of a speech in the assembly hall. The knots Raven’s stomach had been tied in all day unravelled and something plummeted inside her as Abby grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from her shoulders. “You need to leave.”_

_Raven stepped back and looked at Abby as she felt tears burning at the backs of her eyes. She didn’t have a single word to say to her. Nothing could have prepared her for the kind of reception she received and she took another step back, eyebrows knitting together with the enormity of the hurt pressing against her chest. Turning, she headed back out the door. Striding down the corridor, Raven’s footfalls were heavy, each one punishing the carpet and putting distance between her and whatever mistake she just made ._  

* * *

 

Raven read and re read emails Abby had sent her over the past few weeks. Paragraph after paragraph contained words which were the opposite in every way to the look on Abby’s face in her office.

She began to scroll her texts again. Raven knew every word by heart by now, her memory reciting each one before her eyes found it on her screen. When her phone vibrated in her hand, her heart leapt into her throat. The message tone echoed in her ears, the only thing to have broken the silence of her evening, the only thing to have broken her focus.

**_Can we talk?_ **

Raven stared at the message. It had been hours since they’d seen each other. It had been hours since Raven had ignored the stares of colleagues as she’d left the main administration building only moments after entering, each step full of anger and hurt and despair.

_She'd walked across campus sniffing back tears, fingernails digging into her palms to keep them at bay. She fixed her mouth in a hard smile which she offered in lieu of words to each student who spoke to her as she passed._

_Raven didn't stop walking until she'd made it to her own office. Unlocking it, she glanced at the sign below her name, the word UNAVAILABLE remaining despite her presence inside._

_Locking the door behind her Raven leaned against it, head tipped back as she blinked at the tears she was afraid to let fall. Sliding down against the wooden door, she pulled her knees to her chest, and pressed her fingertips to her eyes to prevent the image of Abby's disapproval from playing on her mind._

The cold was biting at her spine as she sat on the couch staring at Abby’s message. Taking a deep breath, Raven reached for the cup of tea beside her and took a sip, nose scrunching at the flavor of the cold, brown water.

**_Of course._ **

With a shaking hand, she typed out her response and waited for Abby to call.

Raven jumped when she heard the rap of knuckles against her front door. She didn't want to leave her nest to answer it if there was a chance Abby was about to ring. Snuggling down lower into the cushions, Raven hoped the person would leave if she ignored them.

She studied the time stamp on Abby's message, and her own response. She stared at her phone willing it to ring. Another rap of knuckles startled her again and she was the picture of reluctance as she pried herself from the couch. Her leg felt stiff as she moved toward the door, too long in the one position, too long sitting with muscles tense. Her jaw ached, too.

Raven looked at her phone once more before sliding it into the back pocket of her jeans and sliding the chain across to open the door. The sound of it rattling filled her ears and caused her to wince. Pulling the door open, Raven saw Callie’s face first and blinked against the sharpness of the porch light before focussing on Abby.

“You’re here.” Raven breathed the words into a fog, the night air meeting her skin as she did so.

Abby looked broken. Her eyes were rimmed in pink and shining with tears she didn’t appear to have the energy to release. Abby’s hands were pressed inside her coat pockets, a dusting of snow across her shoulders, and Raven wanted to reach out and hold her and tell her to leave and felt dizzy with the indecision churning inside her.

"I'm so sorry." Abby choked on her words and cleared her throat. Callie placed a hand on Abby’s arm, urging her forward.

Taking a breath, Abby spoke again. "I had to see you."

All Raven could do was nod. This still might not have been what she was hoping for, but it was something. “I thought you were going to call.”

“I had to see you.” Abby repeated her words as though she were operating on autopilot.

Callie stepped forward. “I was there today, when you came by. This is all because I was in the room. The two of you need to talk. I know now. I mean,” Callie corrected herself with a sigh, “- I knew before. Unofficially. I’ve known Abby a long time, and I know the two of you well. Neither of you are doing anything wrong.” Callie jingled her car keys in her hand and Raven looked past them to see Callie’s car parked in the driveway.

Raven looked at Abby. “You should come in.” Standing back, she held the door open.

Callie and Abby spoke in quiet tones on the porch, Abby nodding before pulling Callie into a tight hug and thanking her.

“Don’t let her off easy, Rae.” Callie winked at Raven, but Abby rolled her eyes and pressed her lips together. Raven noticed more tears forming at the corners of her eyes and placed a hand on Abby’s arm.

“Come inside.”

Closing the door, Raven watched as Abby removed her coat and hung it on the spare peg by the door. Hands in the pockets of her dress pants now, she shifted her weight from foot to foot.

"Take a seat." Raven gestured to the couch and to the nest of pillows there. "Can I get you something to drink?"

Abby ventured into the living room, hesitating by the couch and running her hand along the back of it. She wouldn't make eye contact with Raven, looking near her and past her, but never at her.

The dent between her eyebrows lengthened as she nodded, lips pressed together as if she was holding in the power of all the oceans, as if opening her mouth would see them rushing out. A torrent she couldn't afford.

"I think I-" Abby pulled in a breath as if her next words would change the course of history, and Raven held her own, the cogs in her mind turning in time with the mechanism in the pit of her stomach. "-maybe just some water please." Abby looked at her then, forced her lips into a thing which wouldn't even resemble a smile if you didn't know her better. Raven knew her better and nodded, turning to move toward the kitchen and unsure anymore whether her heart was breaking for Abby or for herself.

Raven ran the water for a few seconds before filling the glass in her hand. She'd gulped back three quarters of the contents before she remembered it had been for Abby. The clean glass she filled felt heavier in her hand with every step back to the living room.

The sight of Abby curled up in the very corner she'd occupied all night had the cogs turning the other way. She felt some of the tension unwinding at the sight of the woman she’d fallen for in her space. It could have been any other night, Abby coming over for dinner or a drink or a movie. It wasn't, but in that moment before Abby realized Raven was back, before she turned and forced another smile, incongruous with her tears, it could have been. 

Handing the glass to Abby, Raven sat at the opposite end of the couch and pulled the quilt around herself, missing the comfort of the cushions surrounding Abby.

She fidgeted with the tassels knotted around the edge of the quilt, running her fingers along them as if she were praying the rosary.

Abby set the glass down on the floor and leaned forward taking a breath before leaning back again.

"I was out of line today." The words could have belonged to either of them, but it was Raven who was owning what had transpired between them. It was Raven who wanted to listen to Callie and not let Abby off lightly, but who also wanted to right the situation immediately to see if it would alleviate the heaviness pressing against her chest.

In the silence which followed, breathing became harder. Raven pulled the quilt tighter around her body and traced her fingers over the stitching. The braille like pattern was a landscape on its own if you looked at it, but woven in amongst the colours of the fabric, which told a story of its own, it could go unnoticed.

Abby’s throat bobbed as she swallowed the sob which was accompanied by more tears. “You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong.” Each repetition became weaker and weaker as Abby doubled over resting her head in her hands.

Raven released the grip she had on the quilt and felt herself inching forward to touch Abby before retreating to her side of the couch again. She was still teetering somewhere in the space between Abby’s anger and Abby’s despair, and the lines between them had blurred to something unrecognisable.

Wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater, Abby looked up at Raven. “I had no right to react the way I did.”

“I get it. I overstepped, and I did so _at work_ , and I didn’t know Callie was nearby but I still didn’t think. All I thought about was seeing you and I’m sorry.” Raven shifted under the blanket, stretching out her legs against the couch cushions, her feet inches away from Abby’s legs.

“I had no right to speak to you that way. You did nothing wrong and that hug was the least of what I’ve been encouraging for some time.” Abby smiled then. It was the first smile which had not been forced and awkward and it warmed Raven as though she’d just stepped out from the shade, skin relaxing in the sunlight. “That night in my office, the one before break, when things were rather...”

“Intense?” Raven supplied, eyebrow raised as she tried to downplay the smirk which had crept across her features.

“Yeah.” Abby nodded and stared at Raven, light returning to her eyes as she shifted on the couch and stretched out her legs alongside Raven’s. “That night I was so sure you were going to kiss me, and I’ve barely been able to think of anything else since.” Abby’s eyes went to Raven’s lips then, and Raven felt the look travel through her, warming her in a way nothing else had been able to all night.

“So today was about-”

“Today was about you walking in looking like you wanted to pick up where we left off.” Abby interrupted. 

“I did.” Raven’s heart was pounding for a different reason now.

“Jesus.” Abby looked down at her lap, her cheeks tinged pink at Raven’s confirmation. “But Callie was right there and as big as this is and as much as I want,” Abby motioned with her hand between the two of them, unable to find the words, “-I hadn’t told her anything, and I was so afraid that if she saw how we are together she’d call me out, both of us maybe, for a lack of professionalism. So, when you came by, I freaked out. I’m _so_ sorry.”

“Kinda stopped listening around that whole picking up where we left off bit, Abs.” Raven winked.

Abby laughed, and for the first time since she’d shown up on Raven’s doorstep, she relaxed. “See though, that’s the next problem. When you’re looking at me like that and when your arms are around my waist like they were that night in my office, I feel like I want everything. But it’s been so long since I’ve been close to someone like this and the way I feel... it…scares me.” The apprehension in Abby’s eyes was reflected in her smile, the corners of her lips turning upward before falling just as rapidly. She looked down at her lap and Raven couldn’t tell if she was searching for words or answers.

Reaching for Abby’s ankles, Raven lifted them so Abby’s legs came to rest on top of her own as she shifted closer on the couch.

“Look at me, Abs.” She ducked her head to catch Abby’s gaze and smiled at her when their eyes met.

Abby pulled her lower lip between her teeth, as she looked up from her lap. Her eyes were full of a vulnerability Raven had never seen.

“If this is something you want, there’s no rush, okay?” Raven rested her head against the back of the couch and smoothed a thumb over Abby’s cheek. “I adore you,” Raven’s admission was timid, the words ones she’d never uttered before, but the only ones which came close to summing up her feelings for Abby, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d kiss you in a heartbeat right now, and when you’re ready we can start there, but I’m in no hurry. I just want to be near you. It’s hard not having you around, you know?”

Abby nodded. “I do know. These past two weeks without you, it’s felt like something was missing. Like, a part of me. I…I can’t really describe it. I’m sacred of the way I feel, but I’m not scared of you.” Abby reached for Raven’s hand and turned it over before running her fingers across Raven’s palm. Raven sighed. “That, that right there is what it feels like when you’re near me. I’m a little bit addicted to you, I think.”

Raven shifted Abby’s legs from her lap and stood from the couch, offering her hand to Abby as she did so.

“What are you doing?” Abby allowed herself to be pulled from the couch and felt Raven’s arms wrap around her waist.

“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to pick up where we left off.” Raven’s cheeky, lopsided smile had returned, and Abby couldn’t help but mirror it as she brought her arms up to Raven’s shoulders.

Raven’s face grew serious as Abby’s fingers trailed up the back of her neck, and the word _Jesus_ left her in a whisper as her eyes closed at the touch. Neither of them were certain who moved first, but the warmth from Abby’s body as their lips touched for the first time nearly overwhelmed Raven.

Pulling each other closer, Raven relished in the sound of the gasp which left Abby. Smiling against Abby’s lips, she moved, putting just enough distance between them so she could see Abby’s eyes.

“You okay?” Raven whispered the words like a secret, and Abby nodded as she laced her fingers into Raven’s hair and brought their lips together once more.

Outside, the string of fairy lights still wrapped around the porch railing from Christmas illuminated the snow as it continued to fall outside the window.


End file.
